it's hard to look into my heart ...

Look into your heart - and go after what you really want (p.44 Sophie Kinsella's Shopaholic Takes Manhattan)

see .. even "this kind of book" has a good advice.

Its not easy to look for a job, especially if you dont know what kind of job you want. What do I want to do? I honestly dont know ... all i know is i want to find smth different than my old job. I have looked into my heart and all i can see was cloud of uncertainty. But I picked up some options. Lets see what they are (in no particular order):

PRESCHOOL TEACHER
I thought I was an easy job .. It's not .. even that all u hv to do is play with children for 3-4 hours a day .. its exhausted ... physically tiring ... but at the end of the day, when u talk about your students with other teachers, about their progress, their first art work, their first fight, their first "sorry", all other silly things that your little students did ... sigh .. i cant describe how it feels like ... rewarding? not quite the rite word ... oh this brings back some memories .... i miss Paco Valks... my little dutch boy...he's one of my favorite (i know that teacher doesnt suppose to play favorite but what can i say?) ... maybe because he always came to the class very early and i got to hang out with him, just him without other students? ... i taught him how to flush the toilet, wash hands with soup and then dry with towel ... i made him to say ik hou van jou to me hahahaha ... i miss azusa, my little japanese princess ... she cried cos she didnt want to wear her Halloweens costume .. azusa with her grape symbol (gosh i still remember her symbol) ... azusa with her pouty lip but with a smile that will melt you heart ... azusa that always uses her left hand but the teachers always encouraged her to use her right hand (her mom TOLD us to do that) .... i miss ayaka, the tomboy one ... yang suka grasak grusuk, kalo jalan gak liat2 selalu nabrak kiri kanan ... i think she fell down and bumped her head for thousand times, but her mom never blamed us cos she knows ayaka's prone to 'little' accident hehehehe ... there was the genius yuri, who learned ABC from DVD and the smartest one in my class ... and of course little Jade. she's so chubby just like me and other teachers said she could be my daughter hehhehe ... i was at awe when her baby sitter told me that jade was on diet, so she should only have one portion of whatever snack we had during the day (gak boleh nambah). u should see her face when she was still hungry but she had to stop eating while all other friends were still munching .... i miss all my babies ...

PERSONAL SHOPPER
What I have in mind is not the person who works for a certain shop but rather someone who works for others to get them the coolest clothes in town hehehe …. I don’t know if there is such job here … well, at least in States every celebrity has his/her own personal shopper. But I’m not talking just about celebrity, the client could vary from busy business men/women or people who have too much money to spend so they think its cool to have a personal shopper. So how come this ‘certain’ interesting job even comes to my mind? Well, I love shopping and I think I have a good taste on what is good and what is not (but strange enough I don’t like to wear smth too fashiony –not sure if it’s even a word but u know what I mean-, I personally like smth simple. A t-shirt and comfortable stylish short will do for me). Anyway … the first person who called me her ‘personal shopper’ was a friend, Ms. Y from China, a friend from school. She didn’t really like shopping (don’t know now tho .. hmm maybe I should contact miss Y) and I’m crazy about shops. Don’t have to buy anything, but just tried everything that is nice and then put it back in the rack. This is why I like shops in Europe, the ‘helper’ doesn’t follow you around, if you need some help you just have to come to them. Back home, they will follow you around like you are some shopaholics. Once, I was looking at panties (on sale) from a famous department store, and this guy ‘the helper’ was following me around .. cmon … it’s a bit uncomfortable to have some stranger looking at what undies you’re checking on. I promise to myself that one day (if I hv the courage) I will tell those people to mind their own business and if I need help I will just shout (or maybe they works on bonuses for every item they sell?). Anyway, I don’t know how it started but one day Ms. Y decided that she would like to accompany me to Lindex .. one thing let to another and before long she was trying on t-shirts. And she actually bought more than I did I think .. hehehe…and then there was another venture to Vera Moda and Sisters. (RAN, do all these shops bring back some memories? hehehehe). And of course when we’re in Germany we actually did some shopping trips … even my mom became one of my victims hehehe … if I want to I could really persuade someone to buy smth that I think looks nice of them :P

PEACEKEEPING & UNV
This is (I think) something that I really want to do. I’ve been in the roster for almost 5 years now, but never got any news. A friend suggested me not to give up yet, they still need lots of people. Well how long should I wait then? I’m not getting any younger and one day I might start a family and this kind of thing will be impossible to do. Anyway, I updated my profile and will keep my fingers cross. I don’t think my family will agree with this option tho’. And I know this is not an easy job, you are basically ‘kind of’ put your self in danger. The living situation in those countries also not smth I have experienced before. But I don’t know why I’m drawn to this kind of job … but still …. I hope the UNV’s people will read this and hire me hehehehehe …

PRIVATE COMPANY
Are sure that you can adapt to the private company’s ways of doing business? Its different with NGO… I got this question from someone who know that for the past years I’ve been working for NGO and now applying for private companies … my answer was: I don’t know cos I never worked for a private companies before, but there is no so-called a perfect job, you have to compromise and Im more than willing to compromise. Yes .. I’m looking for a job with a big paycheck, if it means that I have to work for a big ugly private companies then be it .. it will be my choice and I have my own reasons. Hahahahaha … of course big paycheck will come a bit later but hey I’m willing to work my *** off. And if one day I don’t like what I do then I’m more than willing to work on smth totally different…

RESEARCH-related
This is more like what I did for the last 2 years … well don’t know what I should write about this … sigh … i wont say that i dont want to do this kind of job anymore, i just need to dig deeper into my soul to find the same passion I had when i was in university and still thinking about "saving the environment".

I think now we just have to wait and see ...